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This is a theme that comes up often when I work with clients. Shame and “Trying to fit in vs. belonging”

Often loneliness drives poeple to try to fit in with others; fit in means conforming to what others want rather than being your authentic self. Belongingness on the other hand is truly being your authentic self and not trying to please others to get their approval.

When we try to fit in by people pleasing, trying to gain other’s approval and let go of our core values to fit in, shame sets in. We might also try to fit in by oversharing our stories with people who haven’t earned the right to hear our stories. This also leads to shame.When we don’t own our stories we feel awkward sharing them and yet want acceptance in the process. People with whom we share these stories often get confused, scared and overwhelmed when we overshare without having established a trusting relationship with them first. This further intensifies the shame and alienates poeple. It’s a loop you see!

Often when we are faced with shame, we disconnect or alienate from others, turn against others ( hostility) or become people pleasers. None of these strategies to combat shame works.

So in order to deal with shame, here’s what I’ve found usually helps:

1. Acknowledge the shame with compassion and listen to the message in shame.

2. The message in shame is to accept your story, own your past no matter how good or bad it was. A dysfunctional past can bring up shame and even a privileged background can bring up shame.

3. Acknowledge how your body reflects your shame, do you slouch when you’re sitting or walking? Do you slouch in the company of others? All bodily indicators of shame. Trying to appear smaller than you are. So my suggestion is to try walking taller and straighter deliberately. Changing the physiology, changes the mental state

4. Restore your dignity. Accept dignity and integrity as vital parts of you. You’re worthy no matter what you’ve done or been through. If you’ve made a mistake, take responsibility and let go of the guilt and shame. If you haven’t, let go of the imposed shame ( often imposed by culture/society/religion) and restore your dignity.

5. Connect with poeple who are authentic. Don’t try to fit in, find a tribe where you feel like you belong.

6. You have a right to love yourself/others, right to dignity, right to worthiness and right to be your authentic self. One thing I’ve learnt about being authentic is that it doesn’t mean that you have an attitude of, “I don’t care” or that you need to be brutally honest with others, which often shows up as rudeness and lack of respect for other’s perspectives. A kind and graceful honesty is more authentic than being brutal in your honesty. Think about it! ( It’s a topic for another day!)

7. Don’t play small. Let your light shine through.

8. And last but not the least tap on all the above! Lighten the ‘shame load’ and the tension that your body is carrying.

References:

Client cases

Brene Brown’s work

Karla Mclaren’s work

THINKING ERRORS: Mind Reading

Mind reading is a cognitive distortion wherein we negatively interpret others’ facial expressions, behaviours, words etc and believe that they’re thinking negatively of us or looking down on us.

For example, assuming that someone doesn’t like you because they’re scowling. They might be scowling because they’re in pain but you’ve already assumed that they think badly of you.
I often hear people say, I know what he/she thinks of me. Yes, you can have an idea but if you really investigate this belief, you’ll be surprised how often you are wrong.

These strategies work for me, they might work for you too. Give it a try when yo do mind reading next time:

1. Give the person a benefit of doubt. Think of other reasons for their behaviour.
2. See how the person behaves the next time you meet them. Is there a change? Take the new behaviour into account.
3. If you’re close to the person, ask them. Understanding what the person is going through will give you a clue.
4. Put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine if your behaviour were to be misinterpreted by another person. Wouldn’t you like the person to give you a benefit of doubt or at least a chance to explain?
5. Take a look at how you feel about yourself. Do you like and accept yourself? The more you’re prone to self dislike, the more the chances are that you’ll read others behaviours as negative towards you. ( Some behaviours are pretty easy to interpret and you’ll know for sure they’re rude or insulting towards you but most facial expressions and behaviours fall in the grey zone. It’s for those grey zone behaviours where mind reading isn’t helpful. )
6. If you’ve already acted on your assumption and you don’t like how you behaved, simply apologise.

Polyvagal theory in a gist.

I love illustrating concepts and putting them into understandable chunks. Hope this helps.

POLYVAGAL THEORY

When we’re threatened our Sympathetic nervous system is active. We go into flight and fight response. It’s the mobilzation stage, the first line of defence against threat. A survival response.

When our life is threatened we might also go into a freeze state which is part of the parasympathetic nervous system. It’s a shut down. This is the second line of defence, the last ditch effort when fight or flight isn’t possible.
This is the dorsal vagal branch of the parasympathetic nervous system. This nerve comes around the brain stem and goes into gut and viscera.

The ventral branch ( Ventral Vagus) of the parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for our social engagement system. When we engage with ourselves, our environment, connect and communicate with others, our ventral vagus nerve is activated. The ventral vagus comes in front of the Brain stem and goes into the chest, heart, throat and face. Healthy attachment with caregivers helps in developing the ventral vagal system.

When there is unresolved trauma, the Fight/flight and/or the freeze response ( dorsal vagus) will drive our system. When we resolve our trauma, then even if we are activated at times, we can easily switch to the rest/digest, repairing part of our nervous system, the ventral vagal branch that helps in connecting and communicating. It helps us feel safe.

You can check out Irene Lyon’s video for more information.

I came across Donna Eden’s book, Energy medicine, around 10 years ago. It was fascinating. I used to do the daily energy routine quite often. Then I kind of forgot about it. Today after hearing Donna in a webinar I was inspired to start the zip up practise.

The practice is to trace the Central meridian which runs from the pubic bone to the chin point. You need to run your open palm ( both hands or one) upwards from the pubic bone to the chin point. Then stop tracing it and move your palm in air above the lip, above your head and then circle down back to the side of you. Breathe while you do this. After 3 times, in the last zip up, stop at chin point and imagine a lock next to your lip and lock it with a key and throw away the key. ( This last part is a new edition)
The chin point is also incorporated in EFT.

In the webinar Donna even says that if you can’t trace the meridian you can simply look up from the pubic bone point to the chin point in the mirror and that works too.

In her words, zip-up will help you.

1. Feel more confident and positive about yourself and the world.
2. Think more clearly.
3. Tap your inner strengths
4. Protect yourself from negative energies that may be around you.

Reference: Eden, D. 2005. Energy medicine.