Tag: partners of addicts

It can be deeply challenging to be in a relationship with someone who abuses alcohol, whether it’s through regular excessive drinking, weekend binges, or functioning alcoholism. If their behavior makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, this is an important moment to seek clarity and create healthy boundaries.

This post is for you—designed to provide insights and support to help you better understand the situation, prioritize your well-being, and navigate the complexities of such a relationship. You are not alone, and there are ways to regain your sense of stability and peace.

Alcohol addiction is a very serious issue that can break families. Not only is it very difficult for the individual in addiction, it is equally difficult for their partners and spouses. While individuals in addiction need a shame-free recovery process and tons of support, their partners need a lot of support too.

First and foremost, alcohol isn’t an excuse for irresponsible and bad behaviour. The more you overlook bad behaviour, the more it will seem that you’re rewarding the bad behaviour. No matter what the reason – how bad someone’s childhood has been or whether someone belongs to a dysfunctional family- it’s not an excuse for someone in addiction to hit their spouse, behave aggressively and/or emotionally/physically/sexually abuse them.

For Partners of Alcoholics:

You are not a rehabilitation center for someone else’s issues. While offering support is admirable, it should only be extended to those who genuinely want help and are willing to respect your boundaries. You cannot support someone who misuses, manipulates, or resents your efforts.

Here are a list of questions. If you say yes to even two of them, then seek therapy immediately.

Does your partner get violent?
Are they physically aggressive?
Are they using you as a punching bag every time they drink?
Do they binge and vomit frequently and you’re left to clean it up?
Do they drink and drive despite your repeated requests?
Do they come home drunk frequently while you help them go to bed?
Do they cheat and lie and use alcohol as an excuse?
Do they force you to have sex when you’re not willing to?
Do they verbally abuse you while they’re drunk?
Do they binge drink regularly on weekends?
Do they behave in ways that is inappropriate when they’re drunk?
Do they behave inappropriately with others when they’re drunk?

Enabling Behaviours: 

It’s not your fault that your spouse drinks. However, some of your behaviours such as not setting clear boundaries, rescuing, engaging in excessive caretaking, volatile outbursts, controlling etc. can certainly enable the drinking. Partners of alcohol addiction often think that by engaging in all the above behaviours, they can control the alcoholic’s drinking. But control is a fallacy. You cannot control their drinking and stop it for them, if they’re not willing to.

Some general guidelines on how to handle your relationship.

Are you rescuing them? Are your behaving like a guardian or a mother/father to save them? Maybe they’ve had a bad childhood/ dysfunctional family but they are still responsible for their behaviour when they drink. If after repeatedly setting firm boundaries, they are unwilling to seek help and continue to behave in the same way, you have every right to walk out of the relationship ( if you have a support system). If you find yourself in a society or situation where leaving is challenging—due to cultural norms, lack of resources, or financial dependence—and your life is in danger, prioritize your safety. Reach out to the police or contact women’s organizations for support and assistance.

• If you decide to support and stay, practice healthy detachment from their issues while you support them. Say NO calmly and frequently to unrealistic demands from your spouse when they’re drinking and sober. Being kind and detached helps.
• Being clear in your communication that they need to seek help for the problem is imperative, remember you alone cannot fix it.
• No amount of love is going to solve it unless your partner/spouse is willing to put in the work, and seek help. Remember alcoholics heal or anyone heals only when they’re are willing to. Just because it’s difficult to give up drinking isn’t an excuse to subject you to physical or emotional abuse.
• Say no to sex if you don’t want to have sex. If you hate the smell, the drunkenness and don’t find it inviting, you have every right to refuse sex.
• Make sure your seek therapy to handle your mood changes. There will be guilt, frustration, helplessness, rage, anger, etc. You might feel there’s something wrong with you. Seek help from a psychologist. Yes, your partner needs help but you need it more as you’re dealing with the effects of their drinking. Remember self-care precedes others’ care.
• If you have children, it’s crucial to assess early in the relationship whether your spouse exhibits aggression, violence, or cruelty. Be mindful of how their behavior impacts your child’s well-being. In such cases, separation or divorce is often a healthier option than exposing a child to an emotionally volatile environment. Prioritizing a stable and nurturing atmosphere is essential for their development.
• Place the onus of their actions on them in a calm and clear manner; shouting, ranting, raging – doesn’t work.
• But most of all decide what works for you. It’s time to think about yourself instead of what the society thinks, etc. Build your self esteem that’s been eroded due to the relationship and the alcoholism and start afresh. It’s not going to be easy but let’s put it in perspective – even staying with an alcoholic isn’t easy. Hence, even if it’s difficult to stay alone, it’s still a choice you that you’ve made. Choose ‘your kind of hard’ instead of others choosing it for you.